How to stop people from “getting to you”
I know that people can be so annoying! They don’t do what we want, or they go against our needs. It’s annoying. This can happen at work, with our friends and very often our family. People get to us. They trigger us into feeling angry, sad, annoyed, scared, etc. This is normal. It is extremely common. I understand how annoying this can be so here are my top 3 coaching tips for my clients on how to deal with this problem.
1.Take Responsibility
Yep, the first step is always to take responsibility for your own emotions. They are YOURS and it is important you start from a place of autonomy. It is 100% percent okay to be triggered by others but when it happens, it is on you, not them. Simply put, being triggered is a sign that something from our past is being triggered and our body is responding to it with emotion to protect itself. It is a wonderful mechanism, but it also gets in the way. Before reacting to the person, take some time to understand the trigger and decide what is being activated? What fear is this activating? What sadness? What story or trauma lies behind the trigger? Once you can figure that out, you can take responsibility. That is where the healing begins. Whenever I am triggered, I always say to myself “Morgan, you need to figure out why you feel this way?”
2.Make a decision and choose action
Once you are triggered, your mind will begin spinning a story around what happened. Unfortunately, this is not useful. Instead of spinning a story it’s important to stop yourself. Stop your mind from running a story. Take a few deep breaths and make a decision. Do you need to speak to the person? Do you need to take the issue to your boss? Do you need to a break and go for some fresh air? Whatever the choice, make a decision and go for it! Don’t wait! Many people sit in the anger and begin creating a very unhealthy story in their mind. For example, perhaps a coworker said something to trigger you and you say to yourself what a bad person but in reality, maybe that person meant no harm and just said something stupid.
3.Listen to the person
If you choose to talk to the person [I highly encourage this] then really take the time to listen. Don’t listen to respond but listen to hear what they are saying. See the situation from their point of view. This is a great way to form empathy because most situations are benign. The other persons intention was not to harm. Now, once you listen you can ask for what you need in the future. For example, perhaps someone said something that made you feel small. Well, tell them that when they use that tone of voice or don’t look you in the eye you feel disrespected. That is totally okay, probably that person wants to know how to help.
Remember we are all choosing to do our best. We all have bad days; we all are scared! For specific help with anger management, click here. If you want to stop people from getting to you, you first have to stop spinning your story and take responsibility.
